Reflection?

It's Lunar New Year eve to usher in the Year of the Pig today. As usual I go for a haircut although my wife kept insisting it wouldn't make a difference given how little there is to be sheared off.

Must be my lucky day as I was the first one at the barber. Was expecting the place to be packed like every year in the past. 

 An old man and his wife came a second before I reach the door. Oh well, let's just be the second customer, I thought to myself...

With the shaver from my barber guy buzzing away, he got into a conversation with Old Man

Barber: "Wah, you getting fatter these days arh, Better?"

Old Man: "No lah, this is swelling from my sickness."

Barber: "Must see doctor.. You got see the doctor or not? Yea but we must also believe what god plan for us and if we can recover we must thank god"

Then he turned to me and started on how another apparently healthy customer who eat and exercise regularly etc suddenly fell dead from a heart attack just last week.

Knowing I can always rely on him to be the neighborhood obituary announcer, there is no need to buy the newspapers for that. Or things like which small business in the area has gone bust and who are the new people who has taken over, down to how many mistresses they may have.  He is the barber.. the know-all person after all.

Suddenly Old Man spoke up, "No lah, if recover not thank god.. must first thank the doctor..." He was all straight face and nonchalant.

Silence afterwards.


Then Old Man left after paying. 

 

Barber "Eh bro, you know arh.. that Old man is 80.. he just discovered he got colonized cancer (colon cancer) Stage 4..."


Then it suddenly struck me, Old Man's demeanor and the way he was talking, knowing his current condition and still came to have his haircut before Chinese New Year, a "tradition" held by most before celebrating the festivities...  this is a person who has come to terms with Death.


I drift back to my thoughts and planning/ propositions on this topic while driving home. It started a few years ago just when life got better. First, all big commitments in life are squared away, owe the world not a cent and the kiddo now, a working adult, having found a meaning in what he pursues-- saving lives. His calling and one I am definitely proud of even if it takes him away most of the time in another part of the world. It's never a perfect world, but I'm happy for all that life has turned out to be for him.

Generally things were just going fine with a few other nice things thrown in. Yet a nagging feeling, an unexplained fear, something I can't quite grasp with kept rearing up. Notions of death and planning for old age wasn't really something that I put much thought into when there were endless bills and repayments to make. Fear has really been about not having a job and depleting savings...

First and foremost my thought is to deal with the mind. 

Going back to my logical neurons and probably overworking the left half of my cerebrum, the first question to ask is what are the biological basis if any and how our lives and thinking are shaped by the learning from young and the overall social perspective of such things. What are the psychological triggers that leads to the kind of thoughts we have? Reckon even with the full 13.8 billion years since the Big Bang, I'll probably not find the full answer.

Acceptance. This was the next phase. There was not even denial. No point because ultimately everyone dies. That leaves dealing with the fears and back to tackle with where these arise from in a more concise and structured manner. It all came down to.....

..... Fear

-for the livelihood and feelings of those left behind was the foremost thing that came to mind.

"Logic Neuron": Hmm.. so it boils down to uncertainties. 

While there isn't much that can be done for the latter (feelings) but if the means are there, help plan for their livelihood now while you are living is definitely possible, be it in small or big amounts. At the end of the day this part simply boils down to money. Things like getting additional tiers of planning for retirement funds for oneself when alive and funds the family can have when you are dead are basically the kind of things to do.

Ok, its all just a few signatures away  and keep paying every month now into something you take in the future or leave it for the living.

Now this brings me back to my current lifestyle of living with less.. Yes, having less, but building up more for future and uncertainties is another thing altogether. Maybe its part of the cultural and generational heritage I grew up with. 

 Minimalism is something "noveau"-- but being hardworking, responsible and to plan forward is still ingrained old school way (at least for me) even if it means having more to do now and not necessarily liking everything I have to work on to build that future.

Now what else? I think there is no getting away when you are well and healthy and fearing a sudden bad news that you are going to die or have a serious health problem. We can eat healthy, live healthy, buy insurance but there is no absolute guarantee.. If life decides to deal you a bad card-- you're screwed, simple as that. Just ask Steve Jobs or any successful people that died young (if you ever get to see them first, of course).

Squaring away with the above is hard but it got easier when I think about all the things already  done. The promise wherever he is -- if I am gone, my son is to never leave the mother alone regardless where in the world he may be then. But more importantly is knowing that this will be honored. Something I am thankful for the kind of family values I grew up with and ingrained in him.

Then it came back to myself in this equation of Death... what now? Some people find solace in religion. Not me. But neither do I have a fight to pick with anyone who wants to believe in anything these days. 

Maybe it is just easier for some to have a placeholder of sort, real or imagined, to anchor one's mark and thought. As for me that is not important because I know who I am and have done the important things needed in my lifetime by now. Just leave me alone to my Existentialist thoughts.
 

For all my writing where using the word "I" have been shunned where possible, there are many "I" used here. Maybe that is because the "I" now is use to describe a state of being at peace rather than a person (me). Maybe in short it's really just to say, I'm Enlightened" , well, sort of but not completely. Where this impermanent mind which had this impermanent body attached to have found the answers looked for.

Now I try to find other meaning in life. The appraisal at work and subsequent targets points to a quadrupling of workload this year--  for the first in a very long time, I think it is a good thing. Why? Because there is a meaning to it all. Each and every action I take from here forth, will in some ways affect the life of a quarter million people in another part of the world, maybe more. There aren't exactly the kind of remuneration to me by doing all of these "extra" work but hopefully it will be a meaningful endeavor at a personal level. Something to look and wake up positively to each day. It will be quite a drastic turn in fact from my current  "Minimalsm" lifestyle now.  But all these to come, I truly believe will be in a good way. But we never know, I might wake up one day and decide it's just too much too. Have some thoughts/ plans but have to live one day at a time too.

Last day for the Year of the Dog and all I wish for now is a long and healthy life for Kyuubi

Update 13/2/19 - -a memory from my Facebook 2 years ago pop up. Scrap the long wall of text you just read above. I truly have to say this 3.5min about Death and finding meaning in what we do shared by the Dalai Lama regardless whether you are religious basically summarized everything I had to say above.