Reflection?

It's Lunar New Year eve to usher in the Year of the Pig today. As usual I go for a haircut although my wife kept insisting it wouldn't make a difference given how little there is to be sheared off.

Must be my lucky day as I was the first one at the barber. Was expecting the place to be packed like every year in the past. 

 An old man and his wife came a second before I reach the door. Oh well, let's just be the second customer, I thought to myself...

With the shaver from my barber guy buzzing away, he got into a conversation with Old Man

Barber: "Wah, you getting fatter these days arh, Better?"

Old Man: "No lah, this is swelling from my sickness."

Barber: "Must see doctor.. You got see the doctor or not? Yea but we must also believe what god plan for us and if we can recover we must thank god"

Then he turned to me and started on how another apparently healthy customer who eat and exercise regularly etc suddenly fell dead from a heart attack just last week.

Knowing I can always rely on him to be the neighborhood obituary announcer, there is no need to buy the newspapers for that. Or things like which small business in the area has gone bust and who are the new people who has taken over, down to how many mistresses they may have.  He is the barber.. the know-all person after all.

Suddenly Old Man spoke up, "No lah, if recover not thank god.. must first thank the doctor..." He was all straight face and nonchalant.

Silence afterwards.


Then Old Man left after paying. 

 

Barber "Eh bro, you know arh.. that Old man is 80.. he just discovered he got colonized cancer (colon cancer) Stage 4..."


Then it suddenly struck me, Old Man's demeanor and the way he was talking, knowing his current condition and still came to have his haircut before Chinese New Year, a "tradition" held by most before celebrating the festivities...  this is a person who has come to terms with Death.


I drift back to my thoughts and planning/ propositions on this topic while driving home. It started a few years ago just when life got better. First, all big commitments in life are squared away, owe the world not a cent and the kiddo now, a working adult, having found a meaning in what he pursues-- saving lives. His calling and one I am definitely proud of even if it takes him away most of the time in another part of the world. It's never a perfect world, but I'm happy for all that life has turned out to be for him.

Generally things were just going fine with a few other nice things thrown in. Yet a nagging feeling, an unexplained fear, something I can't quite grasp with kept rearing up. Notions of death and planning for old age wasn't really something that I put much thought into when there were endless bills and repayments to make. Fear has really been about not having a job and depleting savings...

First and foremost my thought is to deal with the mind. 

Going back to my logical neurons and probably overworking the left half of my cerebrum, the first question to ask is what are the biological basis if any and how our lives and thinking are shaped by the learning from young and the overall social perspective of such things. What are the psychological triggers that leads to the kind of thoughts we have? Reckon even with the full 13.8 billion years since the Big Bang, I'll probably not find the full answer.

Acceptance. This was the next phase. There was not even denial. No point because ultimately everyone dies. That leaves dealing with the fears and back to tackle with where these arise from in a more concise and structured manner. It all came down to.....

..... Fear

-for the livelihood and feelings of those left behind was the foremost thing that came to mind.

"Logic Neuron": Hmm.. so it boils down to uncertainties. 

While there isn't much that can be done for the latter (feelings) but if the means are there, help plan for their livelihood now while you are living is definitely possible, be it in small or big amounts. At the end of the day this part simply boils down to money. Things like getting additional tiers of planning for retirement funds for oneself when alive and funds the family can have when you are dead are basically the kind of things to do.

Ok, its all just a few signatures away  and keep paying every month now into something you take in the future or leave it for the living.

Now this brings me back to my current lifestyle of living with less.. Yes, having less, but building up more for future and uncertainties is another thing altogether. Maybe its part of the cultural and generational heritage I grew up with. 

 Minimalism is something "noveau"-- but being hardworking, responsible and to plan forward is still ingrained old school way (at least for me) even if it means having more to do now and not necessarily liking everything I have to work on to build that future.

Now what else? I think there is no getting away when you are well and healthy and fearing a sudden bad news that you are going to die or have a serious health problem. We can eat healthy, live healthy, buy insurance but there is no absolute guarantee.. If life decides to deal you a bad card-- you're screwed, simple as that. Just ask Steve Jobs or any successful people that died young (if you ever get to see them first, of course).

Squaring away with the above is hard but it got easier when I think about all the things already  done. The promise wherever he is -- if I am gone, my son is to never leave the mother alone regardless where in the world he may be then. But more importantly is knowing that this will be honored. Something I am thankful for the kind of family values I grew up with and ingrained in him.

Then it came back to myself in this equation of Death... what now? Some people find solace in religion. Not me. But neither do I have a fight to pick with anyone who wants to believe in anything these days. 

Maybe it is just easier for some to have a placeholder of sort, real or imagined, to anchor one's mark and thought. As for me that is not important because I know who I am and have done the important things needed in my lifetime by now. Just leave me alone to my Existentialist thoughts.
 

For all my writing where using the word "I" have been shunned where possible, there are many "I" used here. Maybe that is because the "I" now is use to describe a state of being at peace rather than a person (me). Maybe in short it's really just to say, I'm Enlightened" , well, sort of but not completely. Where this impermanent mind which had this impermanent body attached to have found the answers looked for.

Now I try to find other meaning in life. The appraisal at work and subsequent targets points to a quadrupling of workload this year--  for the first in a very long time, I think it is a good thing. Why? Because there is a meaning to it all. Each and every action I take from here forth, will in some ways affect the life of a quarter million people in another part of the world, maybe more. There aren't exactly the kind of remuneration to me by doing all of these "extra" work but hopefully it will be a meaningful endeavor at a personal level. Something to look and wake up positively to each day. It will be quite a drastic turn in fact from my current  "Minimalsm" lifestyle now.  But all these to come, I truly believe will be in a good way. But we never know, I might wake up one day and decide it's just too much too. Have some thoughts/ plans but have to live one day at a time too.

Last day for the Year of the Dog and all I wish for now is a long and healthy life for Kyuubi

Update 13/2/19 - -a memory from my Facebook 2 years ago pop up. Scrap the long wall of text you just read above. I truly have to say this 3.5min about Death and finding meaning in what we do shared by the Dalai Lama regardless whether you are religious basically summarized everything I had to say above.

The Reborn Atheist

Looking at the title that is just freshly typed, I ask myself, "Is there even such a thing as a reborn atheist". And what has flashed in the neurons in my brain as the letters forming those words appear with an  automatic touch on the correct keys on the keyboard?

A deeper thought produces something else, maybe not "reborn" but a move, a shift in the spectrum. Closer to being a god?

Please! No.

It is simply the asking of questions to move forward. No god no jutsu!  No soul. Yes you heard it right.. for the soul is described as the notion of mental and physical aggregates and we give it the idea that it is something (when there is really nothing?).

Ah yea-- that is Buddhism 101 for you folks there-- if you think Buddhism is all about souls and reincarnation, you are dead wrong.. Those came about when the Tibetans who already had their own religions and practices incorporated Buddhism into their culture which spreads forth from there into the many forms we know see in other parts of the world. Buddha did not believe in souls nor a god/ gods and Buddhism to me is a way of life, not a religion. 

It was confusing and for many years I have to say the laziness on my part not to search out with more due diligence has led to some rather skewed views formed only within my mind. Yet it is not all bad but more on how it all comes together later.

when I came to know more recently and gain further insight, "Theravada emphasizes direct insight gained through critical analysis and experience rather than blind faith." as opposed to other school(s) of thought. 


The idea of meditation was some dude sitting cross legged in a quiet room, often accompanied by the burning of incense and basically closes his eyes and doing nothing for hours. Sure I tried that for a while, but nothing much happen really. I did realize a few things-- if there is anything to be gained by quiet/ solitude-- that is pretty much not achievable living as a commoner in this bustling overcrowded city state..

Over time I have come to see how polluted the noise and light level is around here. Yet does that mean I need to give up trying to attain insight into things? No.

Ok wait-- is this whole article an endorsement into a certain school of thought? No but because of my own cognitive process prior to reading more, I have come to realize many things I did was in a similar fashion to what was read recently on Theravada Buddhism.

The idea of a central being that encompasses everything and or is needed as a central figure is an oxymoronic idea to me. This is where, often it is misunderstood as we also tend to see Buddha as the central figure in Buddhism. Yes and some schools tend to see it that way or have teachings that will lead to such ideas.  Buddha just means the "Awakened One"... to put it in perspective, can everyone  be a Buddha then? This is where I can't reconcile with what I have read so far. Because the answer is that in every age of the Earth there is only 1 Buddha.. other enlightened beings are Arhats. This to me is a little like splitting hair.

I shall not cross compare too much here but just to espouse a little of my own journey. The similarities would not be hard to see if one does a little on what Theravada is all about.

Frankly, where can I put myself?... At best it can be said that I am at the "Awakening" stage. Not fully awake.. We all are, aren't we?

But how do we know, or in my case, be aware of being in the process of awakening?

Ego

That tether that is holding us back, unable to truly see things due to selfishness and desires. Or only see what is in front of us that we hold dear. That emphasis of placing ourselves before others. But to simply suppress that feeling and try to be a "nice and good" person because you think that will somehow help you later or in things like after lift is not going to cut it either.. Those kind of action are guided by the idea of attaining something in the future..

To me, the important thing is just "to be".

6 a.m.

Watching by the window. Rain.

Temperature. Not usually felt.

Cold and alive

Vivid imagination.  Of winter and snow.

A call to breakfast breaks the spell. He was five


Time fluttered by.

Still no snow.

Quiet, behind the "window"

His 82nd birthday today.

An urn within a row

Looking out... where hibiscus grow


A silly young boy's dream. 

A dream,   old and cold.

A dream, by now no one knows...

The 4 Doors

No doubt.. another one of those pics plastered up on Facebook and whatever social media asking people to make a choice and see what kind of comments will follow. No, I did not comment but instead teleported the pic onto this article today and decide to write a long ass piece again. Why? I'm bored as usual, that's why.

No contest. If I were to pick one right off- it has to be money. Simply because Door 1 is too abstract. You can spend an entire lifetime pondering what exactly it is and at the end of the day you realize it really has  a lot to do with those tiny molecules in small amount called hormones causing all kind of reactions within the body. Ask yourself what exactly is LOVE. Opening your eyes after a minute of intense self reflection-- most people will still be flabbergasted without a bloody clue and look like...

It is probably much easier to think love in terms of adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. Certainly oxytocin. In fact if you end up with a cranky nutcase of a girlfriend... you might find relief jabbing here with a couple of oxytocin shots. Hopefully that would get her to be less paranoid and more trusting. And to the ladies.. counter jab your man when he is fast asleep.. this wonderful mysterious thing produced in your body is also fast becoming known as the Monogamy Hormone.

Oh forgot about the jab, your partner might slap you before the desired effects can take place. They deliver it through a nasal spray as per the article...




Door 2- Money. This is the obvious choice to pick and a favorite phrase will pop up for sure.

钱不是万能， 没钱就万万不能

Loosely translated that means "Money is not everything, but cannot have no money"
That pretty much sums up all there is to say about money.


Door 3- Sex. Those who choose that simply has not thought through things. If you have money-- it will get you all the sex. Ok that prbably sounds crude and before anyone let fly a whole other page about money and paid sex.. No that's not what I meant though it does not exclude such possibilities.

If you choose sex because you have non performing sex organs or mental/ physiological issues- then again your best chance of reviving any semblance of a sex life is by having money to solve your medical conditions If money can't solve your sexual problems because it is some kind of serious congenital disease or disability- You are FUCKED! Sorry.

Still having money if you are errr. .sexualy fucked over by nature or someone's 2 ton automobile.. Trust me, having money is still better off than being dead broke ------ while still getting no proper sex.

Door 4- POWER. Now that is something I can never understand. But which is why they have a term -  Megalomaniacs. Trust me I have seen quite a few in my lifetimes. Total fucking nut cases that the world at large absofuckinglutely adores. Reckon if one gets so rich, there can be really not much of an incentive to live in life but to start controlling people and large tracts of everything under, on and over the lands right? Ok fine, I don't understand the mentality behind these people. Be it they want to conquer a country or try to save an entire nation from something. Point is, before power kicks in, you need money. Maybe not a ton but still some form of money is needed to jump start your power OCD.

"Hey what about people like M. Gandhi"
Yes, yes there are anomalies I admit but what that dude lacks in tons of money he has 10 times as many tons of money-less people to back him up.

Otherwise please tell me how D. Trumps will sound with his signature "You are fired" if he is penniless tomorrow.

However power and connection does have their benefits.. How many times have we seen politicians and other big names get away with hardly a scratch.. Even if it is some serious offence, it will likely trickle down to just a slap in the wrist punishment and one way or another they are scooted off to somewhere safe and resume a life of avarice and luxury from it all. If you are caught siphoning off kidneys to fix gold taps in your office and your super big shot friend's spouse vouch that you are only receiving peanuts-- rest assured you will be the CEO or big shot of some company when you are released. Albeit you might have to fly off a few hours away. Things are just too hot to house you back at home until after it has cooled down.


Ok so I admit-- in summary,  right after money, I would say power and the connections you can get from that comes second to having a truly great life. But if I have to choose between 2 and not 4 doors now.. I'll still choose money.

Wiseman says: " An island with no resources will always remain an island with no resources"

Morants

Monday rants...


It's just that day of the week and it''s already screwing up my day. Turning my attention to frivolous things.. frivolous as it may seem but sure making their presence felt everywhere... WTF am I talking about?

HIPSTER CAFES. Stretch after fucking stretch opening up and spreading like radioactive roaches into all parts of the island, killing off the old and poisoning the young. Really is that something for me to complain about? I mean whether I care to admit it or not... the cheap decor of many is actually kinda appealing.. Oh all the faux wabi sabi feel infused in them. Plywood scented furniture or musky cardboard steeped in our virile humidity as aroma from your artificially expensive hot latte or whatever waft towards the nostril.... Making folks pay more for less. Totally typical of our modern day chic culture.

Don't ask me for any foreign sounding phrase to spice up this post while trying to talk hip.. I really don't know or even try pretending to know. Never even been one to even learn those cool chic terms for food... I mean my friends are talking about Crème brûlée during last week's ride, honestly I have not an effing idea what it is even if I might have eaten it a dozen times or more.. Only made the connection that somehow a blow torch is involved at some point.

Oh wait... just realized it's Wednesday now... Yea I'm grumpy.. cos I don't have my usual home pack lunch box today.

Sombre Thoughts

As expected my facebook would be inundated with news of LKY passing. I have chosen not to say a thing. Apathetic? No. Dead set against the man because of who he is? Certainly not. One may not always agree on everything he has done but seriously one important thing we have always overlooked when we cast our judgement of things about Singapore stems from the facts of what we actually do not know.

On that count the bias main stream media certainly isn't helping. Yet by logical deduction.. if many of the things were not done in the way he carried them out or as instructed during his time as Prime Minister and even after... I shudder to think where we are today. This may come as a surprising view from many who know me but I always maintained and strive to be objective. Give credit where credit is due.

Yes I am often critical of things political these days. By and large, the entire country is still run by one political party. But, no, I have not forgotten the time growing up when things were more authoritarian than it is now. Yet many in my generation, largely students then, kids growing up in the 60sand 70s understand why things were done the way they were. No, we did not witness the riots and early chaos right around independence but the ensuing years that followed, the push to grow a nation, that we know. That, we are definitely a part of.

People are nostalgic sometimes for the wrong reason. Chatting in the relative comfort of today's environment, a coffee joint infused with the waft of expensive roasted beans... talks of the old days arise and those old days always seem better. Really?

In all honesty, I just really do not know.  As I a take a whiff from the cuppa while settling comfortably to the soft jazz music overlooking the "longkang" aka Singapore River - I remember growing up looking at the same place. Only putrid smell and rubbish filled waterway is all I can remember... 

Sure, as kids we had fun, paddling out on big Styrofoam boxes scavenged from the nearby Pan-E factory in Kampong Arang, casting nets to catch crabs. Permanently moored bumboats stacked alongside each other were producing charcoal.. hence the name of the place Kampong Arang, Charcoal Village. There were more kilns firing on land but those boats were part of the black sooty landscape for the longest time.

One concrete port hole filled link-way across the river in this area where fisherman dries their shark-fins and other marine goodies assaulted the olfactory sense complete with watery eyes from all the saltiness while walking past.  If this was your childhood "playground", how can you forget.

This is just one vivid scene of my  childhood because of the umpteen hours spent around here. Today as I sit back and view the waterway.. either from one of those eating places near the Indoor Stadium or opposite, in the balcony of my friend's condo.

This place has truly transformed. For the better? Like I said, I don't know. We tend to equate everything with money these days. The neighborhood is now filled with million dollar condos. Things out of reach, so are we not liking how things are because we are not included? We tend to put out comparison with other places around the world, pointing out how a simple less cluttered life is better and or having less people, more land should be a way of life.  Sure! But life is just not fair.. for all the pluses in this country, space, privacy are the kind of things that has to be compensated with.

"Then let's not grow this fast..." would be the counter argument. Again life is not just unequal.. if you are small and you do not dart fast enough-- you are somebody's dinner. We need to move. change and often have to be quick about it. We don't sit on resources to be squandered away like our neighbors. But even for some of them.. hey their oil wells are running dry too.

Yet having said all of these, I'm really dead set against that 6.9m White Paper. Fuck you if you truly believe what they say.. if that magic number on paper is 6.9m-- the reality is probably closer to 8.5m by my reckoning... The top down approach is is about having more people flooding this island and keeping labor cost cheap with a continuous supply of workforce wherever that may come from so long as it is cheap by comparison. Anyone that even has any valid concern to complain or feel deprive can always self-boot to another point on the planet. For every one that leaves, there will always be ten to take his/ her place... On TV and mainstream news, of course the political machinery will only espouse on the importance of progress and reminding everyone on the uniqueness and fragility of the island's economy which has to scream "competitiveness", adaptation and more subtly "boot and change the people" pulsing throughout in order to survive.

Certainly in any country/ society there will be the rich that gets richer. The thing we have to ask ourselves is whether as a whole are we better off than people elsewhere.  This is a really complicated question because, do I look merely at the present or what's in store for the future aka come retirement.