Ikigai

"Really? I'm at the point in life contemplating on life purpose(s) again?"

I don't claim to understand the whole Japanese concept of Ikigai but reckon after some cursory reading, it seems much aligned with the train of thoughts running through my mind.

Sure, there were other things earlier in life. Made the commitment to have a family while still in college. 

30 years later, things having largely been taken care of, while the rest took care of itself, there came a sudden sense of emptiness. In retrospect my life was no different from most people except things were accelerated a little when I was much younger  with regards to starting a family...

..by now, this led to things of interests and hobbies accumulated along the way becoming seemingly distant. Any purpose in all of those have paled and it only gets "less important" each day. In layman speak, most just call it part of the aging process. While its not untrue but what had led up to such a state?

 

"A new sense of Purpose..."

 

Until I "re-discovered" the importance of health, I have no idea how and what to do. Or rather a lot of knowledge from my past was buried until I started digging them out again. 

Just knew I had to start somewhere... and thus  came all the miles and miles of running since Apr 2020 until I discovered that didn't do any good for strength and sarcopenia, which led up to the present day of consistent resistance training. Knowledge on nutrition was more of an "update" from my base in Biology/ Chemisty from my academic past.

Each day became a routine of learning a little bit more from whatever I could scour on the web and talking to others. Then reflecting on all the new things learned, combining, discarding as necessary.

A distillation process. A never ending one too as new science and data emerges that often adds to doubts and confusion, something I have come to embrace that we must admit and be able to accept changes as new information comes about to debunk what was "right" in the past or still yet not fully unknown then.  

Don't let Ego get in the way and it's not about swallowing one's pride to admit being wrong in the first place. It's just science's way of working.

 

The other part is, even if something is true and correct-- it may not apply to everyone as we are all born and built differently. This led me to keep experimenting to see how close I fare with those new knowledge and generally everything about health, nutrition and fitness.

But enough-- the key thing was it led me to my current thoughts and where it stands in the classic ikigai diagram...

...writing down my thoughts in the circle of links

 

I can't fill in every sector currently, the above is the best that can be populated from my own thoughts and experience. "My "ikigai"  now is somewhat-- off centered and top bias. The bottom half isn't really "relevant" or in sync with the purpose I have.

 To start filling in the rest... I use another another more detailed diagram below and breakdown on those that doesn't apply:

a) What we/you can be PAID FOR: It was never about financial gains but I do have thoughts now to be a certified trainer and go part or even full time eventually after retirement. To specialize in being a trainer for seniors, being one myself by then. Sort of a "right person to do the job"

b) What the world NEEDS: Ties in with the above

c) What we/you are good at: This one still has me stumped on both diagrams. I seriously cannot think of myself as being "good" at any one thing. Dare not make that sort of claim.

Satisfaction but feeling of no positive impact to the world: Self satisfaction and having seen improvement over time in the things learned and done is definitely inarguable. Acknowledging others and subsequently seeing others come out to also do like wise, personal sharing and seeing others benefit from  knowledge and lifestyle change indicates a certain level of positive impact to the world.

Comfortable but feeling of emptiness: Juggling with other aspects of life-- its inevitable that I question myself if its all worthwhile to pursue while putting in the kind of discipline needed in this ongoing quest for a purpose even if it's the usual mantra of staying fit and healthy.

Excitement but feeling of uncertainty: Very much tied to the above but I'm trying to stay neutral to avoid falling into the negative realm

Delight and fullness but without pay: As summed up in the first diagram

Profession and Vocation: If this is linked to the job I do-- there is none associated as the current "ikigai" quest is a very personnel one that doesn't relate to the actual job I'm doing. Apart from sharing my knowledge of health and fitness with colleagues-- just as I do with friends and the world at large.

 

I think this journey will go on for quite a while with further distillation of my thoughts on ikigai but the important thing is to keep sight of a reason for being and living that would include dealing with daily stress, uncertainty and strife.

Competing with NOONE

 Who is NOONE? (pronounced as nu-oon)

It's "no one". Yes, "没人“、 ”无人“ in Chinese. Not even against myself.

For the longest time after adopting a "NGAF" attitude, it has been the focus on the Self as the biggest enemy/ competition. Without a care of what others think nor pitting against them, it was all about fighting the Self.

Yes, at the beginning it seems like "the" thing/ direction" to do or take... The mental image was "Ego" at the forefront of anything and everything. The goal was to eliminate or suppress it at every turn.

It can be safely said, Ego, by now has taken a back seat in my life. Of course daily negativity, setback, stress still exist and on a positive note, certain pride to take in some things done or achieved. But by and large, life goes on. Sharing any bits has become a way of trying to help others. Otherwise most time, they simply remain buried in my own myriad of logs and write-ups.

 

Reflecting on this paragraph above, led me to a new realization of the state of being now. I don't even care if Ego is there anymore! Not even fighting it. It's about getting better everyday. A self-improvement of sort, mental and physical. Does it matter if I hit a new intermediate training target this month or even this week? Or clinch that next deal with another record selling price?

NO!

It doesn't make me a different entity. It doesn't take away that other me, Ego. That exists only because that's how the mind had been conditioned to think.

"Oh wait... so now you have no challenge in your life huh?"

 NO.

It just means I don't need to find an excuse or target to channel my mental energies in order to push the envelope in any endeavors set.

Just like moving away from one's childhood imaginary friend... I'm just removing this adulthood imaginary fiend. After all they are just products of one's over active mind.  Peace.

We think of what's good because we compare with what is evil. Like Dark and Light. We think nothing... and we just let things be. Just be sensible.

 

 

Agree, enlightenment is not a transcendental state. Its unobstructed awareness. However I am not so sure about the "true happiness" part because I don't know how that is being defined. If happiness is the state of awareness where one is able to accept things as it is, then yes it can be equated with being enlightened. 

But really the thing on my mind today is not about enlightenment... the top as usual is how I always digress from one thing to another. Purpose.

 

Yes, "Purpose", the purpose in life is what's really filling up my mind in recent times. Just realized I never found a purpose or thought about it in my entire life. Now after slightly more than half a century of breathing, I found myself asking what is the purpose in life or what my purposes are.

Zero, Zilch, Nada.   

Ok I know that sounds  rather unmotivating or would give further incentive to propel reading on. But think about it, isn't that true for many people?

There were only goals/ targets. Dropped out of the Polytechnic and went to the army and those few years I havent got a fucking clue what I wanted to do with my life. I fit into none of the systems on this island. But I woke up one day and decided to study again in a foreign land. Had no idea what that entails... the only thought was how am I gonna pass Mathematics in matriculation before getting to university. It became my sole goal even before I got on the flight.

Then in university I had one more course in Calculus-- it was the gate between me and finishing up my majors. Launching straight in and doing Calculus up to 18hrs straight in a day... memorizing every damn thing including the textbook authors names... I scrape through. The rest you can say was literally a breeze ending with A+ or distinction for every credit.  Had a 4.0 GPA 

I have never been more focus in my entire life before or since...

If there is a time where I can say I have a purpose in life, it was then. 

But wait.. during this period I had a kid that came along! That was a big monumental life change. Ok it happened and I wasn't gonna back out and disappear and all.. but again I havent a clue what to do or have to do next... All I knew is good or bad, we'll stick through and live on.

What's New? 2yrs+2mths later...

Too lazy to start off a fresh blog on Health and Fitness

First thought -- working from home was the best thing to happen...    back in 2020

Restriction, lockdowns followed...

Did my part but had no "fk's to give otherwise, as long as one can still move outside even if just having to do it alone... 

However, I did have a problem with ... The Mirror. Or more precisely the POS I see in it

80 blobbing kilo of unfitness staring back at me! dropped emaciated shoulders and a rounding middle. 

DAMN!.

Few of us chatting online then was joking... we could either come out of this shit Fit As Fuck or Fat As Fuck... I was thinking... no need to wait, I'm already the latter even if some may not judge it to be so...  In fact it's worse than being outright obese having this bloody dad-bod shape taking place in front of my eyes...

 

...and that's where all the running started. First one only 3-5km. 1-2x a week. My thoughts were that its kind of pathetic compared to the time I was doing ultra-marathons. 

Tried a half-hearted resistance training session with the weights lying at home... gave up. The memories of a much fitter and leaner younger self is- but just memories. 

Eventually only the running gotten more regular. 

At least it was off to a good start which all began on 13 Apr 2020, a week after starting to work from home.

And the more I run-- the more I began to run. Mileage quickly chalked up, couple of months later it was 10-12km/ daily and eventually 15-18k a day with a long 25-30km on weekends became regular affairs.

Eating wise was good. We hardly eat out even before the pandemic and much less so with the restrictions during this period. Cooking exploration and looking hard at proper nutrient intake became almost an obsession with the Missus. It's already rather clean before all these started, but now even more so and we started looking at lower carb meals plus various other stuff too. A big bowl of salad for is almost a daily affair... and dressings were replaced with concoctions we  made ourselves with plain yoghurt and nuts etc...

Salads, salads and more salads.. refined carbs are cut and reduced over time. White rice, the staple carb for my entire life is "diluted" with soba, whole grains, sometimes starchy but unprocessed carbs from veges like corn or potatoes and quinoa etc.

 

The only added sugar in my day is in the one cup of strong morning black coffee. I still can't live with a sugar-less black brew... it just taste like water after rinsing an ashtray.

All was good and the only bad habit was some night snacking... but those were replaced slowly over time with nuts. Cut out the chocolates by now and hardly had ice cream so the worst of it is off the list at least...... 

... ... Apr - Nov 2020  -- Total distance of 2860km! 90% of the days were calories deficit. Out more than In.

Then routines was mixed  with more cycling as there is only so much before wear and tear sets in. Doesn't matter how good I was by then with low impact Chi running style... you can minimize but cannot completely remove attrition rates with such kind of running mileage.

And all good until I hit a bout of monotony from all the running and cycling by mid 2021 which was when I got my first "fitness watch"

All the heart rate monitoring and other fitness parameters tracking began... together with tracking rest/ sleep data etc..

Prior to this I was tracking only basically with my cyclometer for riding days and manually logging the distances for my daily run with the online mapping site-- Plotaroute

It was tedious to say the least... but also meditative as each route was re-traced with the mouse on the labtop in the evenings... recalling at various points how the run felt...taking notes for further improvements and fine tuning my running from the collective experiences.

But with the watch-- everything was easy and had more more data which I linked to my Strava. An app used to death by others now but which I only downloaded on Jun 2021...

 

Around the same time I came up with some weird framework of fitness SMARTGOALS. After refreshing up on age related metrics and more on best max heart rates and differences to target based on various HR zones... Came up with my own   10/9/130-Goal.

Basically that meant 10km distance at a pace of 9km/h or more and remain under an average 130 heartbeat/ min for the entire duration based on moving time.

I started out with an average of around 145 beats per minute... and it seemed almost impossible to achieve the set goal of 130 at that pace. But slowly the improvement came as I learned to conserve energy and be the most efficient while moving. All kind of things were roped in.. holding 2 ice pack when running, palms down as some claimed that helps to lower a beat or 2 and more...

But the most significant thing I realize is the WEATHER. Difference between a cool run after rain and evening on a hot day is about 4-5 beats per minute.

By the way, based on age metric calculation, in 2021 my recommended 80% max heart was 135beats/min. So setting 130 is actually lower than that and after a while I find that this combo with the pace target set is actually quite respectable. 

Occasionally when I don't monitor the heart rate when doing "2.4km IPPT" runs-- I definitely can go a lot faster.

But fitness watch or not... when these auto logging started.. I was running lesser than in 2020. Down to maybe 150-180km per month (from a high of 350 in 2020)

~4.5 months went by-- and one day it just happened... Yes.. I hit the 10/9/130 Goal finally on the 7th Oct 2021. 

But  I told myself it could be a fluke. Next few runs were shorter but if extrapolated-- it would be consistent with the goal settings. Then came a second time on 11 Nov 2021 with again a 10km distance at a 9km pace for an apple to apple comparison. 

Ok-- the "R" in SMART for Realistic-- which I also added my own "R" for Repeatable" is on track...

The next day I could remember distinctively because it was hot like hell... and here is where I   concluded how a few degree between cool and hot days made the difference of ~3-5 beats on average... there were much more of these numbers now on my tabulations to back up this observed trend of mine...

My biking timings were also getting better too.. I could finally do the 30km/hr average in those little rabbit looping around the estate. Not bad considering I'm using my trusty single-speed with a 53/18 gearing by then for a 25-26km ride each time, trimmed of any unneeded weight like racks and fenders. 

Those who know can mentally weigh it based on the gear-inch-ratio and understand what I'm saying here based on the cadence and estimated speed ratio. 

 

But it the first 30km avg over a shorter ride that was memorable. On the same singlespeed but with only a gearing of 48/18 and still lugging the heavy racks and all the resistance from full metal fenders earlier in Jun 2021... Yes I set my riding goal of these averages with seated pedaling... no standing to punch out.

 

 

Apart from aerobic fitness-- biggest obvious gains were in my calves!. Something that is never a strong point of mine but I was also beginning to feel the lack in upper body strength. Freaked out when I started struggling with 20 push ups and can hardly even do any proper pull ups.

Something was not right... but I left it for a few months and basically just staring at the pair of adjustable Nuobells that I got from Tiny.

Manual plotting in MS Excel of running data with splicer points on avg and max HR since the use of the fitness watch. Yellow = max HR of each run. Grey = average HR

 By now my runs are mostly 6-8km daily rather than longer...and pared down to 2-3 times a week instead of 5-6x. My weight since Apr 2020 till Apr 2022 was down 12.5kg at the lowest weighing...@ 67.5kg! after 2 years. But that was after a 125km ride.. Normal time I reckon I was probably around 68.5-69. Still a significant reduction from 80.

Finally decided to wake the fuck up--- Hit my first weight session seriously in ~mid Apr this year. Almost wanted to give up immediately. I was feeling literally Weak As Fuck!.. but persevered. 

Slowly after 3 weeks or so, my grip came back and then all those important things in weight training years ago started to re-surface in my memories.. 

Yes, having the grip when hefting up considerable weight is key... Though much older now but working with science.. eating right and adding the right kind of supplements to diet.. no no, no roids or anything like that... have to say results are much better than expected so far.

Before: ~ Mar 2020 @ 80.0kg, After: present ... Jun 2022 @ 72.5kg

Target-- 74.5kg RIPPED  and hopefully can do 20 pull ups again by then and yes I'm also working on calisthenics now--so it will be planche, handstand pushups and hopefully do some muscle-ups by then ............. Target:   Sep 2022

 

A morning visitor 

NYD 2021: Fading into Obscurity

 

Looks like the sun forgot to rise on this new day of they year...

 

 

 

Putting away all that needs to be done... Appraisals, reports and more -- all from work of course.

Sure, I'm very well aware of th consequences and probably be cursing myself as deadlines draw nearer by the hour. But  there is little that can be mustered up as I'm actually typing out the state of my procrastination now...

2020 has been a shitty year for many people. Not something I need to feel all morose and add on here. But it's really more of a reflection this whole year with lots of time in solitude, sucking thumbs while pondering that puts a perspective on many things, often with abysmal despair. 

 

I should be happy.. when many lost their job and here I am, having more to do than ever. Yet I can only look on with a very distant gaze. 

 

Thought the notions of many things pondered had been squared away years ago, like, Death.  But I'm beginning to realize, when one is down, another will rear its ugly head. Or sometimes certain things just never really have a solution. Fear is always at the center of our existence. It's fear that drives us but also stopping us from moving forward.

 

Then there is the problem of extremes-- how much do we want. How much do we need. And for some, there comes a point of "understanding" we don't really need a lot and start paring down in life. Only to come to a point where the mental state reaches the equivalent of not being satisfied by having more.

It is a similar state of unhappiness because of our expectation of the future. So from going from having more than needed, to living without excess, are we all just chasing that state of equilibrium to rest the mind?

Today I come up with the conclusion-- if it's a yes to the above question, then it's all a lost cause.

Living with having more-- doesn't make me happy. Yet now living with less--- doesn't bring happiness either. 

It's just what it is. Something I have adapted to and probably will continue rather than going back to a more "normal" less minimalist lifestyle. 

 

But the fact is-- Minimalism is not doing squat to bring happiness anymore. Living with less is more about functionality.. Lesser things to take up more of our time. Lesser things to think about. Just a  functional way of living (for some).

 

Here comes the troublesome argumentative me: "But isn't that what Minimalism is about or at least a part of it is such?"

When it all first started - -like most things, its a journey. We discover new things in all journeys. There were memorable moments- -translated as happiness? If it is then it's only temporary, just like all other things in life... like our hobbies, love, which then comes commitment and more... 

At some point we all get dragged down mentally. With material things and commitment-- we can eliminate them off. Commitments can be reduced and removed by paying off as soon and not committing anymore. Material things can be halted from becoming more by not buying and then selling or giving away what's in your possession. But what happens when all that is done? Zilch, nada.

And thankfully I haven't done stupid thing like getting rid of everything I haven't used in a while which some rabid Minimalist guru would no doubt have you do. Else the joy of blissful pedaling would not have happened yesterday...

 

Much as it seems I am "against" Minimalism today, the very place I found something that aligns with my thoughts ironically came from "The Minimalists" podcast 2 weeks ago

The rest before and after-- they are rambling on in their usual not so minimalistic ways but this part caught my attention starting around 4:12 in the video: "This word hope...... I think this word hope tethers us to a future   ....and whenever we are tethered  to a future, we crave..."

 Hope, whether by amassing or elimination processes in one's life therefore is not a solution

Coincidentally I was reading up on the Middle Path of Buddhism last nite... and comparing how my thoughts actually aligns with the principles from there, it was uncanny how close my thinking was when stacked beside what I read. The funny thing is I have never read too deeply into these before so it was sort of an amazement to myself to ponder whether have I stumbled onto enlightenment -- or maybe something close?  :)

There are many sects and each come up with their own interpretation of the Middle Path.  I don't subscribe to any one sect as the preference is to be free of any ritualistic or customary practices which in my opinion only serves to dilute the primary teachings. And no, I still don't consider myself a Buddhist.  To me that would be just a label.

Now, everything seems to resonate together with this podcast as well. The Middle Path to be taken is the one that is still to negate desires but not to the extreme of any self-mortification or obsessive denial.

At this point it wraps up the question I asked a long time ago in Philosophy class "If the path is a negation of desires.. then isn't the negation of desires itself the biggest/ central desire in one's life". This is not the first time admitting my ignorance, in fact the article below this, almost 2 years ago was touching on the same. But I guess I can finally put an end to a 30 year old question I once asked myself with a further awareness stacked upon that earlier awareness reinforcing my views and thoughts by now

In summary? -- It's all about moderation. Ok at least for now until the day that I might find moderation and being in the Middle just as pointless as extremes.... Hopefully not though.

 

Journey of Awareness

Posted this status update on my Facebook today on something mentioned every now for the last 2 decades. But today it was with the dawning and realization of how my thinking in the past was muddled with not understanding instead of smug about being that smart cookie undergrad then who took a shot at a professor dumbfounded with my answer to her homework and pass me with an "A" in the final grade for her Philo 101 class...

Not understanding means I have not been "aware".
Not understanding means whatever was said in the past was based on assumptions, be it due to my years growing up in an environement that doesn't cultivate a proper understanding of some things or simply an ego that refuses to see in the light of things.

Today I am aware. An awareness that allows me to see how  years after  having clinging to my initial ideas and notions, these were actually a retardation of the awareness of things in life because of my earlier ignorance.

There is no blame here either. It happened and that is how it was. All I'm trying to come to terms with now is that there is bliss in Awareness. With Awareness comes Peace.

Yes, for a long time everyone who knows me has seen how I have been fighting my biggest enemy. Ego. But yet in doing so-- which seem like a good positive thing and a way to progress with mindfulness, I was still trapped very much in the mortal-ness of "fighting". There had been awareness to many things, good things that generally improve the wellness of the mind, yet those cognitive changes still had an impending block hiding between neurons and the subconscious. Never fully unleashing Awareness.

It was reading Hack Spirit site and in particular this and this article that much of the realization  hit me today. To be honest, I have no idea who is Thích Nhất Hạnh is but I'm gonna see what else he has to say with a wider Google search now....